This blog contains a great deal of information about the sacred feminine, some information on the dark feminine, and lesser information on the sacred masculine. I have almost no information written on the dark masculine. This is in need of correction and will be addressed on some things I’m going through right now. My goal is to not be shamed by dark masculine influences within me but rather to bare my soul with ultimate vulnerability.
The dark masculine is best represented by its sphere of influence over domination, control, wrath, lust, and revenge. While it is possible to proceed further into the dark masculine’s sphere of influence, the above list contributes most to what this article is going to entail. Men who surrender to their dark masculine influences need to exert domination and control over their environment. Their rule is with an iron fist and has a tendency to be overtly aggressive. This aggressiveness leads directly to the dark masculine’s influence on wrath. Though there is such a thing as “righteous wrath” the dark masculine’s is anything but. Most of the time it is wrath which fuels the dark masculine energy. The man, surrendered to his own fear and wrath, begins exerting control in an overt fashion over his environment and begins seeking out retribution. So hurt, is the man, that he feels he must take revenge on those who have wronged him. My own delving into that mindset involved the following perversion of the golden rule: “Do unto others as they have done unto you.”
Before I continue with baring my soul about my current dark masculine influence I find it necessary to give some background into why this affects me so. Roughly a week and a half ago I decided that I wasn’t going to avoid my best friend’s martial arts studio on Tuesdays and Thursdays just because the woman I had been seeing had been seeing takes her son there on those days. While I considered ignoring her I decided to stop and say hello so it wouldn’t seem as if I was being rude. I loved her and regardless of what led to our breakup I still felt that. The conversation was certainly awkward but it felt like there was the potential opening to have a friendship. I had zero interest in engaging in the affair again. Friendship was certainly not out of the question. I misinterpreted the exchange as going well. Thus, on Wednesday, when I had a day off to attend some appointments I sent her a very simple text saying, “Hey how’s it going?”
A part of me understood what the lack of response meant. However I wanted to see it for myself rather than just relying on my intuition. Thus on Thursday I went to the studio and she was there. I sat and engaged in small talk with her as I had done previously in the hopes that we could have a friendship. Something was off, however. I probed and she stated that it was strange that I was talking to her. I couldn’t understand why. She mentioned that I sent her a text exactly 30 days after I told her we couldn’t have contact. To be more specific, as I’m sure she will read this blog, I had told her I would be blocking her from facebook despite her “begging” me not to block her. I’ll explain that in a moment. In her mind the fact that she had a feeling that I would reach out to her within one month (the same feeling I had about her) meant that it was a very calculated tactic on my part meant to begin engaging the affair once again. When I stated that wasn’t the case I was dismissed. When I stated that it was a necessary move to block her (again explained later) I was again dismissed. The only thing that mattered to her was her feelings on the situation and mine did not occur to her one bit.
Here’s the brief generalized explanation of the things I promised I would address. Laura was a married woman. It was my sin to engage in a relationship with a married woman. It was hers to continue the relationship while she was married. There can be zero blame on either part because we both engaged in a year long affair that could have potentially damaged her relationship with her husband (who knew full well about us) and her son (who still knows nothing). What I can say towards what drove me to blocking her, an act that was not done in anger, was the continual breaking up the relationship and then coming back to it that she did. This occurred seven times in one year. Had it happened once, then it would have been fine. If she had realized early on that she wanted to renew her love for her husband I would have gladly stepped out. However over the course of the year she broke up and came back, engaged in passive-aggressive abuse, when my Dad died she put her own needs above needs I had at the time, and over and over refused to acknowledge my pain and would flat out ignore it in relation to her own. I attempted to talk to her using DBT skills and she accused me of using skills as a weapon. I attempted writing a letter and she turned that against me. Ultimately in March she began just being outright hurtful of me explaining attempts at sex she was having with her husband (not for my ears), telling me she and I were more like friends than anything, and stating that she wanted a rebirth of her marriage with her husband.
That last piece was integral to what happened next. At that point it became clear that she had no intentions of divorcing her husband (a carrot dangled in front of me since our first date). Because of the constant back and forth between resolving her marriage and being with me I knew that if we continued to have contact she absolutely could not give full devotion to her husband. That was what was needed. Had she fully gone one way or another I was prepared to give full support. Thus I knew that, though it pained me, I had to have zero contact with her. Her “begging” involved stating that we promised before that we would never block each other. Her “begging” was essentially accusing me of purposely hurting her. Her explanation afterwards was that she spent two weeks depressed. Thus I was the cause of her depression. No longer am I going to take blame for other peoples’ feelings. I was incredibly supportive through at least 14 depressive episodes and was prepared to support her through depressive episodes for the rest of her life.
Anyone who has read my blogs over the last year and has drawn the conclusion that she is the one I’ve always written about will know that I felt True agape love towards Laura. I still do feel that. Agape does not love with conditions and does not love within the confines of specific time periods. It doesn’t mean I have romantic interests in her anymore. It doesn’t mean that I can’t see her for what she does. It just means unconditional love and support according to the Spirit and the Will, not according to her perceptions of what support means.
I’ve digressed from the original topic in some ways. However the digression was necessary in order to give some background into why I am concerned about the dark masculine influence. After a frustrating conversation with Laura last night I was angry at the gall of her making assumptions on my motivations. I was hurt because it was as if she never knew me. I don’t think she ever truly did. I used to let my emotions get the best of me and I would snap and share the harshest versions of what I felt inside. The temptation was incredibly strong to do so this time as well. I did text her again to let her know that I offered an olive branch despite being hurt so often by her and she dismissed it completely out of hand. When I got home I considered writing a more detailed text of what made me angry. I considered a lengthy email on why I was hurt and angry. I considered a lengthy email plus a resend of the previous two emails I wrote her and a third unsent letter written around the time of my Dad’s death.
The question I had to ask myself was, “Why, Stephen, do you need to let her know these things?” It was a very similar question I asked my own son when he was having conflicts with my daughter. Some of the ways in which I answered myself were identical to how he answered, “Because no one should move forward in life thinking they can treat people that way!” That’s a fair answer that begs the same followup question I again asked my son, “Why does it have to be you that teaches her that lesson?” It doesn’t need to be me. In fact no matter how agape my love for her she chose to walk away from it. It is up to her to learn those lessons.
Yet the anger and resentment remains. Dark masculine energy completely concentrated. That energy begins manifesting itself outside of the trigger situation as well. My lust peaks. The desire to engage in dark masculine activities rises. The sense of needing to control my environment grows. Fortunately as I was walking to work today thinking through these urges a woman drove by in her vehicle, turned towards me, and smiled. This felt to me like the sacred feminine stepped in for a moment to say She was still there and I didn’t need to worry overly much.
Still the level of peace that I had had Wednesday evening walking home from the tea shop through Chester Creek. It is that rapid change from peace to anger that worries me about my spiritual well-being. It isn’t the thought that I am a truly bad person. I am fully aware that I am not. It is the worry that the dark masculine has too deep an influence on me. I am inclined to believe in this moment that that is not the case. Would I even concern myself too much with it if it were true? Doubtful. I cannot live in denial of the urge however. The urges must be surfed and through the surf I must remember who I am intrinsically and that nothing anyone else says or does or believes or thinks can change who I truly am.