Transformation has been the theme of late spiritually, energetically, and in relationships. Across the “blogosphere” many authors who share the same outlook as I do have reported a dramatic energy shift over the past few days. This shift has been a reminder to us to take stock on how things have changed in our lives and to really hone in on those things that strengthen us versus those things that weaken us. For me I have had powerful reminders of this. The first was back in December when my dad died. The second was in the heartbreak associated with letting go of someone I thought I could live with forever. The third was in the realization that my closest friend has narcisstic tendencies and behaviors such as gaslighting. The fourth, and most positive, was in the full embrace of my own personal spirituality and the magnetic pull it has had on new people entering into my life. This is the time to embrace transformation and utilize the creative energies involved towards bringing Light and Truth into the world.
The strongest “core” of my philosophical system is that of the connection between strength of body, mind, and spirit. Ideally we would view these three aspects in a sort of ninefold pyramid structure where each one is the foundation for another. Thus when one becomes weak so too do the others. This is detailed more fully in the article I wrote entitled “Completion and Wholeness.” Over the course of the past year my own foundation had been crumbling.
Allow me to illustrate the relationship through my own personal crises. Back in the summer of 2014 I was doing a great job at going to the gym and working out. My weight was coming down slowly but surely. Yet something incredibly deep was missing and I was moving forward unfulfilled by what I was doing. Spiritually I was in crisis. Naturally for me this led to a decrease in the amount of time I spent at the gym. Over an incredibly short period of time I stopped working out altogether. During this time I was also doing poorly physically. I did not realize that my body hated certain raw vegetables and I was in horrible stomach pain all the time. Add to this an increase in cortisol levels due to lack of sleep and an increase in apnea events and you get an idea for what comes next. My body was in crisis. The whole affair led to increased isolation, negative self talk, a trip to the hospital, therapy and meds, a suicide attempt, and another trip to the hospital. My mind was in crisis.
What I am going to say next applies only to me and is not meant to imply anything over anyone else struggling in their own personal issues. For me, that suicide attempt was a gift. Mentally it turned things around for me and I made the very conscious decision to not be owned any longer by my depression. This didn’t sit well with people I knew who were dealing with their own illness around the same time as I was. It was widely stated that one could not just be done with depression. They were missing what I was truly saying. I was done letting it own me. Mentally I was recovering quite nicely, but physically and spiritually I was not. Thus my mental recovery was handicapped.
After a year of secret relationship with the best woman I had ever known I had started to feel my spirit grow closer to the sacred feminine. The two most important pieces of that spiritual growth were born out of this spot.I really started to embrace writing again and began this blog as the perfect exercise in flexing that spiritual muscle. I was reaching out in many ways I hadn’t before and learned that my work did and does have impact. Things truly started falling into place and yet as I looked around my apartment and really looked inward about where I was I noticed that the signs of chronic depression were still there and that motivation was still gone.
Physically I could see myself slipping away. Allow me to share some of the personal symptoms I have been going through. My weight went up and for the first time ever I hit 250 pounds. Now I have had a number of people stare in disbelief at that number because I do not look like a 250 pound man. I owe that to the bundles of slow twitch muscle fibers that form my massive thighs and quads. Muscle is more dense than fat. In addition to the weight gain my blood pressure went up, my apnea was worse, I was eating a ton of junk food and clearly feeling malnourished despite feeling full, my legs were swelling with pitting edema, and my mobility had degraded. This is the most honest and vulnerable I have been about this issue, but it’s necessary to share.
This brings me to this weekend. I decided to change my eating and living habits. Again. This time it needs to stick. There was no grand epiphany attached to this decision like you hear in all the sob stories of weight loss success. Rather it was the likely culmination of a variety of factors. Both of my dads died at relatively young ages and were definitely younger than my grandfathers when they died by about a decade. I could see myself moving towards a lifestyle that would lead to that early death and frankly that lifestyle is not conducive to living the spiritual life I expouse in my writing. With transformation energy in the air I guess it just needed to happen.
Where I am at in this moment is heavier than I have ever been, more embarassed of my weight than I have ever been, and more reluctant to embrace the gym lifestyle than I have ever been. I am seeking a way to balance my focus on body, mind, and spirit. With a tendency to become obsessive about my passions I am currently interested in finding a way to balance that obsession. I must transform the obsession in addition to transforming my lifestyle. There must be a way to regain my mobility without wanting to obsessively grow into a bodybuilder’s body. Currently I am trying yoga at home. After last night I realize how much I need it. Already though after one night I feel myself wanting to do more and I’m getting the energy to do so. On my walk to work this morning I felt myself wanting to run to work instead. Now you may ask, “Stephen, what’s wrong with any of that?!?” While the obvious answer is that nothing is wrong with it, the less obvious answer is that I burn myself out if I go as gung-ho as I would like. This needs to be something that I can maintain for the rest of my life. This can’t be a summer fling and then I’m done for two years.
While I have used this article to explore my own feelings about the coming transformations there is an additional goal within. I want to declare this a call to action to my readers. Take a look at how you treat your own strength in body, mind, and spirit. Are you a little heavier in one than the others? If you are focusing a lot on mind and spirit then give strengthening your body a go. Do you have hangups about doing so? I do as well! Let’s utilize this transformative energy today and become the beacons needed for the rest of the world.