Soulmate and Mirrors

“But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”

I met my soulmate on March 11, 2015 and ended the relationship nine months later on December 11, 2015. She was a true soul mate as she did indeed reflect everything that was holding me back and brought me to my own attention. Through her I did learn that I was enough. I learned that I was a much man than I expected. Through her I learned that I had the gifts ready to me to bring confidence, hope, love, and support to the those I love in addition to giving those gifts to myself as well.

We had a lovely relationship and she helped me to walk through some tumultuous times in my life. She was an absolute godsend the last time I was hospitalized. She walked with me through the dirt roads of a town I lived in as a very young child. Lastly she was reassuring in every moment where I became filled with the ever present self-doubt I had come to know so intimately.

Our relationship was not just a whimsical relationship based on physical intimacy. We had deep conversations. We held each other when we were in pain. For the most part our love for one another was without condition. The best kind of love. She saw through all my faults and accepted me for the True man I am just as I saw through all her faults and accepted her for her True self.

I had originally written a great deal more after this paragraph but it was an unfortunate rehash of the events leading up to the breakup. I realized too late that it didn’t properly serve the purpose originally intended for this blog. My original intention is tied into the phrase preceding this blog and specifically that the soulmate “shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention.” She had done that for me. I feel as if I have not been able to do that for her.

I wanted to. It was my hope that together she would see just how amazing she is and how beautiful and bright her light shined. In retrospect it may seem that breaking up with her negated all that I shared with her. She may feel as if I had hurt her deeply. I won’t argue that. I did hurt her. I hurt her badly. I essentially proved her thoughts about her worth. That was not my intention. If she could read this now I would hope that she would realize that I couldn’t keep holding myself accountable for her worth. I couldn’t keep defending my honesty and timing. Maybe in that I was weak. I wouldn’t be surprised. She and I have always been mirrors for one another. Thus in breaking up with her I have as much broken up with myself. For the same reasons. I wasn’t strong enough.

If I had one wish granted it would be that I hoped she could see that I did it because I wanted to show her how important it was for me to be heard without accusations of poor timing, attacks, and using DBT skills against her.

I agree that I proceeded in many ways wrong and I agree that I have done this before. I think in her eyes it’s inexcusable that I did not give her time when I asked for it. I pushed when the timing was bad. I acknowledge that I did these things out of frustration and anger. Regardless of how inexcusable these actions may have been and how I am not going to justify the actions I would like to reiterate that there was building conflict over the past few months and especially the last two weeks which I could not see an easy resolution to. Unfortunately our mutual breaking point came at the worst possible time for both of us.

All that followed that point is on both of us. The damaging words. The damaging actions. I understand that it is likely that these things mean we will never be together again. I understand that some have told me that it is for the best because the relationship was unhealthy. All I know is that despite how deeply I loved her I had to take action to show just how much the situation was hurting me.

I can’t write anymore. This was already incredibly painful to write. My typical writing style is marred by the mix of emotions going through me. Again she and I are mirrors and I imagine she is going through the same thing. My biggest regret is that we could not resolve this face to face. I know that if she understood what I had originally tried to tell her she would see that I…

It doesn’t matter. It’s over.

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About ninefolddragon

I am a self-proclaimed writer, spiritualist, and warrior. My primary writings are poetry and essays that evoke elemental visualization and are written in honor of the sacred feminine.
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10 Responses to Soulmate and Mirrors

  1. Another post I was shamed into taking down. These feelings were valid then and are valid now.

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on Ninefold Evolution and commented:

    I wrote this a couple months ago and set it to private as I was shamed into doing. Today these words ring incredibly true. While I wish things had been different I still remain incredibly grateful for the experience and the things I learned.

    Like

  3. emmagc75 says:

    I’m sorry you felt shamed. It’s a beautiful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When the word soulmate is used, I tend to think that is with one in a keepsake type of relationship. However, in this case, I guess one may still be a soulmate in another context.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. While I admit that in my youth I had a tendency to idealize relationships, as I’ve aged I’ve grown to understand relationships much better. However in so doing I gained clarity in what I want and the high standard that goes with it. The only appropriate language to use in this case is that of the twin flame or soulmate. But as has been mentioned the soulmate doesn’t necessarily mean the ultimate relationship rather it is the relationship that brings about profound change. I have had three such relationships.

      Liked by 1 person

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