“But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”
I met my soulmate on March 11, 2015 and ended the relationship nine months later on December 11, 2015. She was a true soul mate as she did indeed reflect everything that was holding me back and brought me to my own attention. Through her I did learn that I was enough. I learned that I was a much man than I expected. Through her I learned that I had the gifts ready to me to bring confidence, hope, love, and support to the those I love in addition to giving those gifts to myself as well.
We had a lovely relationship and she helped me to walk through some tumultuous times in my life. She was an absolute godsend the last time I was hospitalized. She walked with me through the dirt roads of a town I lived in as a very young child. Lastly she was reassuring in every moment where I became filled with the ever present self-doubt I had come to know so intimately.
Our relationship was not just a whimsical relationship based on physical intimacy. We had deep conversations. We held each other when we were in pain. For the most part our love for one another was without condition. The best kind of love. She saw through all my faults and accepted me for the True man I am just as I saw through all her faults and accepted her for her True self.
I had originally written a great deal more after this paragraph but it was an unfortunate rehash of the events leading up to the breakup. I realized too late that it didn’t properly serve the purpose originally intended for this blog. My original intention is tied into the phrase preceding this blog and specifically that the soulmate “shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention.” She had done that for me. I feel as if I have not been able to do that for her.
I wanted to. It was my hope that together she would see just how amazing she is and how beautiful and bright her light shined. In retrospect it may seem that breaking up with her negated all that I shared with her. She may feel as if I had hurt her deeply. I won’t argue that. I did hurt her. I hurt her badly. I essentially proved her thoughts about her worth. That was not my intention. If she could read this now I would hope that she would realize that I couldn’t keep holding myself accountable for her worth. I couldn’t keep defending my honesty and timing. Maybe in that I was weak. I wouldn’t be surprised. She and I have always been mirrors for one another. Thus in breaking up with her I have as much broken up with myself. For the same reasons. I wasn’t strong enough.
If I had one wish granted it would be that I hoped she could see that I did it because I wanted to show her how important it was for me to be heard without accusations of poor timing, attacks, and using DBT skills against her.
I agree that I proceeded in many ways wrong and I agree that I have done this before. I think in her eyes it’s inexcusable that I did not give her time when I asked for it. I pushed when the timing was bad. I acknowledge that I did these things out of frustration and anger. Regardless of how inexcusable these actions may have been and how I am not going to justify the actions I would like to reiterate that there was building conflict over the past few months and especially the last two weeks which I could not see an easy resolution to. Unfortunately our mutual breaking point came at the worst possible time for both of us.
All that followed that point is on both of us. The damaging words. The damaging actions. I understand that it is likely that these things mean we will never be together again. I understand that some have told me that it is for the best because the relationship was unhealthy. All I know is that despite how deeply I loved her I had to take action to show just how much the situation was hurting me.
I can’t write anymore. This was already incredibly painful to write. My typical writing style is marred by the mix of emotions going through me. Again she and I are mirrors and I imagine she is going through the same thing. My biggest regret is that we could not resolve this face to face. I know that if she understood what I had originally tried to tell her she would see that I…
It doesn’t matter. It’s over.