It is said that time heals all wounds. What if a wound is not given time? What if it is opened up over and over again? If a man is stabbed and later splits open his stitches the wound’s healing becomes delayed. Emotional wounds are no different. In many ways they run far deeper than physical wounds and affect us in ways that are invisible and untraceable.
When I run emotional diagnostics on myself I can call attention to the following wounds — anger, resentment, loneliness, and fear. Anger, as the emotional reaction to perceived injustices, results from the continual opening of these wounds. Often considered a secondary emotion the anger is typically rooted in, or is comorbid with, another emotion. In my case it is fear. This isn’t the anxiety ridden fear that paralyzes a man from taking action. However it is a deep seated fear that sometimes leads a man to the incorrect actions. What is there to fear? The fear of abandonment. The fear of never having a home. The fear of losing family. The fear that no one will understand. Sometimes fear is irrational. The fear of spiders? Irrational when accompanied by education. The same can be said about fear of the dark. However the fear is harder to overcome when the evidence is overwhelming that these events can and will continue to happen over and over again.
I have been abandoned recently. I was abandoned by someone I thought would never abandon me. Will it happen again? Evidence seem to indicate that this is so. I could meet new people only to be abandoned by them. Old friends and family can abandon me still in many different ways. One recently did. As did my beloved sister. Abandonment seems the norm in my life. This relates directly to the fear of never having a home.
I had been to thirteen different schools by the time I graduated high school. I do not have a childhood home that I can say I have fond memories of. I claim Duluth as my hometown but was born in St. Paul and spent much of my childhood in the Cloquet, Carlton, and Sawyer areas. When my children were born I tried desperately to give them a home. Unfortunately I moved too often and that plan failed. I have moved so often that I have never truly unpacked from a place nor have I set decorations up. Why should I? I won’t be there forever anyway. Though many people may be able to understand this portion of the fear there is still much that they cannot understand.
I have always seen the world from a view that differs from others. Typically I will choose the third option even when only given two. I consider conspiracy theories from perspectives that even most conspiracy theorists don’t consider. I rarely follow something just because everyone else follows it. Lastly many times I find that the structure of something is often more complicated or beautiful than most people do. That is when you’ll find me laughing at something that remains largely unfunny to most. Thus the fear of being misunderstood is not unnatural nor is it illogical. It is a very real truth for me that on any given day I will not be understood by the world at large.
How are these fears conquered? Instinct seems to state that I should simply accept the fears as truths and they will no longer hold sway over me. That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Let’s fact check that statement. I accept that abandonment is a certainty. That acceptance holds me back from giving and loving like I truly could. The acceptance ends up looking the same as the fear. I could accept that I do not understand what a permanent home is like. This may be the easiest to do as I could just live in each place as a home until the time that I do not. I could spruce things up like I belong there until I don’t. The only remaining issue is that acceptance is still lonely. For example, my recently redecorated basement apartment is still empty when I am not there and when I come home I am not coming home to someone who is waiting to see me. Lastly I could accept that I view the world differently than others and will largely go misunderstood. I think in many ways I have already done that. It is lonely though.
Thus it seems that the issue I hurt most from is that of being alone. By sitting here and evaluating the wound I realize that I cannot dress and redress the wound over and over. I am simply reopening the wound. Alone. At only 39 years old I cannot imagine a future where I am not alone. For a moment I wasn’t. She saw me. She loved me. She loved how I thought and how I lived. No loneliness in that. Then she left. And I was alone once more. I considered how closely related my best friend’s life is to mine. He’s alone too. But it is not enough to know that he and I are not alone in being alone. There is something missing.
I have written often of the masculine and feminine energies that I have observed in the universe. I strongly feel like a circuit that is not complete — a masculine energy source that needs balance by a feminine energy source. It is very much the reason why my best friend and I cannot feel more connected than we do. Neither of us fulfills in the other that missing piece. Thus together forever and forever alone.
After this expose on the emotional wounds I carry I cannot agree that these wounds will heal as they cannot be given the time needed. Time and again they have been reopened and each time they have been reopened I have experienced it as if experiencing for the first time. As a man of action I cannot see myself simply giving in. I will continue to experience life as often as I can. However this does mean I must accept the roller coaster of ups and downs that I continue to rail against. Perhaps that is a battle for another day.